i.Live.Out.Loud.

Minding my own motherfucking business, studying my music theory, blah blah blah. Then I see a spider. NBD. Keep playing like a boss. I see another spider. Still NBD. Continue boss-like playing. Then I see a black widow. And I FREAK THE FUCK OUT. I gasped, stood up, and damn near ripped half of my hair out. Then I went on hyper-awareness mode. Every little tiny movement that I felt near my arms or legs I brushed away dramatically. I looked around then slowly, cautiously put all my stuff away, and suddenly I started inspecting every little tiny nook and cranny that I was about to come into contact with. I got out, and started walking towards the house, and I was so scared, I wouldn’t even touch my dogs on the way in. Anyway, I went inside the house and I was still shuddering…out loud. I came back with bug spray and I was so incredibly dramatic with it. I abused the hell out of that bitch with the spray, and I even found another Widow, which I also annihilated with spray. I have NO IDEA why I was so accepting of the two other spiders I saw. All I know is that they didn’t bug me at all, but the instant I saw that Black Widow, I went goddamn insane. That shit…….SUCKED.

Why in the hell are you following me? You know I hate you. You have nothing to gain from following me. In fact, it just seems like another bitchy, snide way of getting my attention and reminding me that I ACTUALLY gave a shit and cared about you at some point. Well, congratulations, you have succeeded. Once again, you have me regretting ever even meeting you. Honestly, I wish you could just let shit go. Just keep me out of your life like I’ve been trying to keep you out of mine. And stay the hell away from people like Kayla (and her Tumblr…though I know that won’t happen), because she OBVIOUSLY hates your guts and wants you to disappear as much as I do. But no, that’s too much to ask. It’s like getting accidentally knocked up and having a miscarriage wasn’t enough for you. You’re still putting yourself in places with people who have openly admitted that they don’t want you around. And you still somehow had the guts to show up at the studio on a Tuesday “just to visit”, claiming that you didn’t know I would be there, which was obviously a lie because the last time you were there on a Tuesday, you tried to put me down and I said some shit about your kid that made you get in your car and leave, so that’s one reason that you MUST have known I might be there. Oh, and let’s not forget that you desperately wanted to talk to me; so desperately, in fact, that you went so far as to stand in the way of me shutting my car door until I raised my voice at you to get you to move. And as a final blow, let’s not forget how many times you’ve openly called me abusive. You constantly remind people of how terrible I was to you, and how many times I hurt you, and all this terrible unimaginable bullshit about me, and yet, here you are. If I’m SO FUCKING bad, why the hell don’t you just piss off? Why do you not decide to keep me out of your life and distance yourself from me and my “abusive” ways…? I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t pity you. Not for as long as you keep volunteering yourself to get hurt by sticking around people and situations in which you are bound to get hurt. All this shit that’s happening to you is your own fault. You completely, 100% deserve it and I guarantee you it will not stop until you stop looking out for it. And I know I’ve said that to you a million times and more, and I have people like Taylor who have heard me say it, and have completely agreed with me. I really don’t care what you have to say about me, or what you have to say about this post, because, quite frankly, I am well beyond sick of you. I want you gone from my life more than you can possibly imagine. And here, you decide to follow me. Like it wasn’t enough for you to just know my username and be able to take a look at my tumblr without me knowing, you just HAD to click the little fucking follow button. Now, all I can hope is that this post is persuasion enough to convince you to leave me the fuck alone, online, on the phone, and in person. I know it’s a long shot, but I really just want you to fuck off that badly.

I saw a fat lady fall, and when she tried to get up she stumbled and almost fell again. And as if that alone wasn’t funny enough, it all happened outside of a donut shop. Lol

simply cannot describe how goddamn uneasy, unsteady, and unhappy I am right now. Smashing my keyboard didn’t help, and punching a wall like I want to would only hurt me. There’s a scream in my head and I can’t let it out. And nobody can help. Don’t even try. It’s just not worth it.

and you and you and you and you and you and you and you are all full of shit. Alright? Alright.

I like to think I’m a pretty respectable, decent person. I may be pretty self-centered, vulgar, loudmouthed, and cocky as fuck, but I’m a well meaning person. It takes a whole hell of a lot for me to trust somebody (and my personality makes it hard for others to trust me as well), but once I do, I completely drop my guard. I know I shouldn’t, but that’s just the way I am. So when I hear anything that raises any fucking doubts in my mind, I start to go a little insane. All I want is the truth. Is that really so goddamn much to ask for?

A guy like me is ready and able to be entirely alone and self-reliant. But I’ll be the first to admit that being like me gets lonely as shit sometimes. I’m always hesitant to let someone new become a part of my life, though, because people who genuinely give a shit about you are harder than hell to find.

There’s nothing worse than a conflicting story between two people you trust….and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than have any doubts about my friends.

Consider me gone until I hear the same thing from both sides. I’m not sticking around to play any of these annoying, childish fucking games.

I’m super sick. It fucking SUCKS.

Tonight, I started trying to sleep at around midnight and it’s damn near 5 now. I have no clue why this happens, but some nights I just can’t manage to fall asleep. I’ve spent most of the night up until now going back and forth between attempting to sleep and finding things to do because I can’t. A few hours ago, the lack of sleep was stressing me out. Then I grabbed my laptop looking for something to do, started listening to music, and made a Tumblr account. The best part of the night, though, was watching clouds pass by outside the window. I have no idea why water particles gathered up in the air are so benevolent…but they are. And after hours of stressing myself out, and eventually resolving to watching the sky outside the window, I feel good. Maybe all I needed was to stay awake for the sake of clearing my mind. I’m not sure about much when it comes to this strange night, but I am sure that it was pretty great.